"I just want to live"- Good Charlotte

Just to warn you, before yous start reading this- I'm going to rant.

Ready?

I don't understand why some people think about the days you spend in highschool are supposed to be some of the best days of your life. They're filled with trying to suck up to people you're never going to see after you get out, and cramming knowledge into your head you're probably not going to use.

Everyone always says that you should always try to be yourself, but when you're going through K-12 and you get to know the same group of people don't you, in a way, start to become just like them? Don't get me wrong, people relate to eachother by similarities, but I've known people who are so used to copying off of everything that someone else is doing- that when they're on their own, they have no idea who they are, and they don't know what to do.

I used to be like that a few years back. I was easily suggestible and influanced...Until one day I looked back on myself and decided that I didn't like who I was. So when summer vacation came around, I spent a lot of time by myself, reflecting on who I was as a person, and not as a member of a group.

It does get lonely, it really does. Sometimes I feel like I have no one that I can connect to on a mental or an emotional level- I suppose why I'm on the computer so often. I'm looking for that connection. Perhaps that's also why I can never seem to find a boyfriend, ever. There's no one that I know that has the same views, morals, and intrests that I do. But I know better then to settle because I can't find anything else.

I'm just the kind of girl that would rather stay in and cuddle up to watch movies then go out to a steriotypical highschool party where there's only drinking, more drinking, rounding the bases with someone you probably don't even know, making a fool out of yourself, and the what-not.

Is it so bad that sometimes I just want to drive around and have the silence filled with music? Or even laying in the grass late at night, making shapes out of the stars?

I'm the kind of girl that likes hugs more then kisses, fall over summer, the calvery kids version of soulja boy more then the original, guys with peircings and tattoos. I crave unorginization, spontanious actions, and bad mistakes that I'm only going to laugh at in the future.

I love the rush that I get after being at a concert, but yet I also know that at the end of the day- every famous person, at the end of the day, is just like everyone else. They all have flaws and things that they don't like about themselves, and that they had started out just a regular 'nobody' before they had their lucky break.

Like every girl, I love being complemented- but I don't really know how to take a complement very well, I've never had much luck with boys- or the relationship scene in general.

I'd rather be called cute or gorgeous over sexy and hott.

Looks matter to me, I'll admit that. Because, lets face it, if you marry someone- you'd want them to have a face that you can stand to wake up to everyday. But that doesn't mean that ALL I care about are looks, they're just a perk.

I love guys with personality. I wouldn't want someone I'd date to be a mindless suckerfish, feeding off my own personality. Sure, sometimes I may have an overwhelming personality- and be a bit too headstrong...but I don't have enough of that to go around.

Sometimes I like to argue, not like...in a hateful way, but I like to have an intelligant debate and be able to exchange my views with others respectfully. I understand that not everyone thinks the same way, and I never want to push my views and beliefs on other people, but I do like to hear and try to understand why they see things the way that they do.

Even though I come from a small city, I have big city dreams. I want to live in a nice apartment in Chicago and be a successful clothing designer. Maybe for a few years I could tour around with a band or something, I know that's a dream that probably won't come true- but that's the wonderful thing about dreams, that they're your dreams and that even though some things may come and go in your life, your dreams may still remain the same. If you have your dreams of what you'd like to do in your life, it has to mean that you have some sort of hope- and with hope, almost anything can be acomplished. At least, that's what I think.

I'm also the sort of girl that cares more about the actual music itself then the band members. As long as the music is good, and I like it, I don't really care who it is. It really bothers me when people won't listen to music because some of the band members aren't that good looking, or might not be that fit. I don't understand it, looks have nothing to do with the ability to create good music. It's not as if their dazzling smile can charm the vocalists voice to magically sound better, or a rock hard sixpack can make a breakthrough demo.

I love flaws. I really do. It's what makes people different and interesting. If everyone was perfect- they would all be the same. I want to be able to be someone's definition of their imperfections. I want to be able to embrace someone's flaws and their mistakes and at the end of the day still be able to like them for who they are. My friends, for example, I love them unconditionally- not because I expect them to do the same for me but because they except me for who I am and who I'm not. They know that I have flaws and that I make mistakes and sometimes may get aggrivated at them with no reason. They don't expect me to be perfect, they expect me to be human. I really couldn't ask for better friends then the ones that I have. I may not have a lot of friends that are execptionally close to me, but the ones that are, they're the ones that I can count on to bail me out of jail if I ever get arrested with out asking why, the ones that I could kidnap and take on an adventure, the ones who will let me cry on their shoulder, and the ones that I can still get mad at but at the same time love them at the end of the day.

I do believe that a lot of things in life are taken for granted. Like microwaves, if you had to eat cold leftovers for the rest of your life after you put them in the fridge, I'd be pretty mad. Sure you could use the oven again- but there's nothing like the 'ding' from a microwave after the short ammount of time your food as been reheating. Or the fact that houses come with a roof and they don't have dirt floors. I would be pretty freaked out if one morning, I woke up to snow landing on my bed and a mole digging it's way under my dresser. Or even the fact that people have a sense of humor, because with out that...how are we supposed to get through awkward or difficult times?

There's just a lot of things that I'm grateful for...and I bet you, who ever is reading this (which is probably no one), are glad that this rant is over.